On November 7, Mennonite Central Committee (MCC) Manitoba held the first in a three-part series focused on bringing awareness and attention to the growing problem of domestic violence and abuse.

In conjunction with Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the first session, held at the Pat Porter Active Living Centre in Steinbach, took an in-depth look at intimate partner abuse, the many myths attached to the subject, and the means for providing effective support for victims.

Public session number two will take place on November 21 at 7:00 p.m. Here, the presenter will identify the affects of witnessing or experiencing abuse as a child and how it impacts people developmentally.

The series will conclude with a full-day workshop specially curated for faith leaders, pastors, counsellors, and those in spiritual care roles. This session will help create awareness of the fact that the church community is far from exempt from the issue of abuse. Those in church leadership roles will gain tools for recognizing signs of abuse, assisting victims to safety, and holding perpetrators accountable.

The two presenters are Val Hiebert and Jaymie Friesen, both coordinators for MCC’s Abuse Response and Prevention program.

Hiebert holds a PhD in sociology and anthropology and currently teaches at the University of Manitoba. Friesen is working towards her master’s degree in psychotherapy and has gained many years of practical experience working in sexual assault crisis centres prior to MCC.

The MCC abuse program began more than 20 years ago and was originally known as Voices for Non-Violence.

“MCC does a lot of peace work and most of that work for many years has been really focused overseas in developing countries,” Friesen says. “Part of this program was a mandate to do some work more locally, recognizing that violence and harm happens within faith communities and in homes as well.”

Throughout most of the year, Friesen and Hiebert’s MCC work is relatively church-centric, hosting conversations in faith-based settings in order to help break the silence and stigma that surrounds partner abuse.

While they are not direct service providers, the duo can make referrals to the many resource centres available to victims of abuse. As well, they partner with victim support groups and are working on developing programming to help perpetrators change their violent patterns.

Until now, Friesen says, abuse was a topic rarely discussed in the church due to the shame attached to it. The church can unwittingly perpetrate a climate which is ripe for abuse.

“Wherever you see a strong patriarchal culture, you also see higher rates of violence,” Friesen says. “Not to say that the culture causes abuse, but I think wherever you see that power imbalance established in a teaching, it often lends itself to women feeling like they have to obey their husbands and they don’t have a right to speak up.”

It’s up to spiritual leaders to speak out against abuse, she adds, instead of responding in a way that makes victims feel like they need to forgive and let it go.

Intimate partner abuse is not limited to physical violence. It can take a number of other forms—including sexual, emotional, or psychological abuse—and might include manipulation, stalking, and harassment.

Whatever the method, relationship abuse boils down to one partner gaining and maintaining power and control over another.

“Intimate partner abuse is essentially about denying someone a choice,” says Friesen. “It’s not allowing someone to have a voice. It’s about denying someone their dignity. It’s about violating boundaries and taking away autonomy and safety. These are the things that are at the core of what is abuse.”

According to Statistics Canada, Manitoba has one of the highest reported rates of violence against girls and women. The provincial rates for intimate partner abuse are also near the top, trumped only by Saskatchewan.

The most frequent calls received by the Winnipeg police are related to domestic violence. This amounts to approximately 44 calls a day, or 16,000 calls per year.

These calls come from every neighbourhood and people from every walk of life and are not distinctive based on socioeconomic status.

Perhaps most compelling of all, the rates of violence against girls and women is 1.8 times higher in rural Manitoba compared to Winnipeg.

Statistically, only one in five cases of abuse are reported to the police, suggesting that actual rates of abuse are much grimmer than they appear.

Friesen also confronts a number of common myths held by victims and also those outside of the situation.

One, she says, is the belief that abuse hasn’t occurred unless physical violence is involved. In reality, many partners suffer more intensely under psychological or emotional abuse since it results in no external bruises to offer as evidence.

“Sometimes these [victims] wished that they’d just get physically hurt, because then it would make it real and concrete,” says Friesen. “[Psychological abuse] is so incredibly [damaging], and yet at the very essence of it, it causes you to doubt the experience.”

Another myth involves the idea that abuse only happens in opposite-gender relationships.

Results from a 2018 study indicate the contrary is true. Fifty-four percent of sexual minority men experience psychological, physical, or sexual abuse compared to 36 percent of heterosexual men.

For sexual minority women, the numbers rise to 67 percent, versus 44 percent of heterosexual women.

The unfortunate reality, Friesen says, is that few resources and shelters are available to men at all, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Another commonly held belief, especially in faith communities, is that sexual abuse cannot happen within a marital relationship.

“When I do my work counselling women, I make the assumption that if there’s abuse, there’s also sexual abuse,” says Friesen. “Sadly, they usually come to a recognition that what happened in their sexual life was not consensual and that they believed it was their duty to do the things that they were being asked to do.”

Finally, misunderstandings also circulate suggesting that the victim brings the abuse upon themselves by not establishing clear boundaries with their partner. According to Friesen, victims themselves often believe they are guilty of this.

The reality, though, is that exercising a right to boundaries can actually exacerbate the violent behaviour, since at its core abuse is about power and control.

For those on the outside who are looking to support an abuse victim, it’s important to recognize the difference between unhealthy relational conflict and coercive, controlling abuse.

The former may happen during occasional bursts of anger which result in demeaning words or mild levels of physical aggression. Here, couples therapy can be very affective.

Conversely, couples therapy is usually counterproductive when one partner is being controlled by the other, as it limits their ability to share honestly and puts them at greater risk of abuse following the session.

So what can a person do to support a victim of intimate partner abuse? Friesen says the first thing is to validate them by believing their story. This can become a pivotal moment for the victim, buoying them with the courage to pursue help.

Next, be prepared to connect them with available resources and accompany them to the police or resource centres at their request.

Never act on the victim’s behalf without their permission, Friesen stresses. This has the potential to make the situation worse.

Finally, everyone can make a difference by normalizing conversations around abuse, giving victims the freedom to speak on their own behalf.

In terms of perpetrator rehabilitation, there are support programs such as Caring Dads that have proven effective, but they are not the right setting for pathological abusers.

“With coercive controlling violence, those people often fall somewhere on the narcissism spectrum,” Friesen says. “Those individuals are often not willing to take responsibility and they don’t see that they’ve caused harm. They’ll somehow spin it so that they are the victims.”

Similar to addiction, without recognition of a problem and a deep, committed desire to change, change is unlikely. Support people who attempt to work with narcissists can likewise be seduced by their manipulation tactics, Friesen warns, so professional help is best suited here.