In last month’s mental health column, we learned about the psychological foundations of morality. Today we continue the topic, focusing on how to navigate moral disagreements and conflicts with family and friends—hopefully, without ruining those relationships in the process.
As a brief recap, human morality evolved with us as a series of survival mechanisms to help us function better as a species. These mechanisms eventually grew into five main psychological foundations from which we derive our rules, expectations, and taboos: care, which helps us improve our group wellbeing and reduce suffering; fairness, which helps us cooperate for mutual benefit; loyalty, which helps us form groups that can stick together; authority, which helps us create and maintain a group structure; and purity, which helps us avoid disease or other harms.
Different people rely on different foundations when assessing an action’s morality. When someone uses a different moral foundation than you, it can often seem like they are behaving immorally.
This is a significant source of conflict between people, even those who generally share many values on the surface. Imagine that I priority fairness and you prioritize loyalty. You might get upset if I look after a stranger’s needs before your own. I might get upset if you put me first before others in the community who need help more than I do. We both rely on a moral framework to make judgment calls, but our foundations will take us in different directions.
At the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, we saw this conflict play out on a large scale. Individuals who relied more on the foundation of fairness might have been more likely to wear masks for the protection of others, or to receive COVID-19 vaccinations. Those who felt more driven by the foundation of purity may have seen masks and vaccinations as a source of harm.
Both sides perceived the other as not only incorrect but morally wrong, even to the point of dividing families, churches, and communities.
When the divide between us is so wide and stark, it can seem impossible to bridge. How do we reach each other when we are far apart? On an even more basic level, how do we still have relationships with each other when we are so different?
Even before the pandemic, many social science researchers, therapists, and experts weighed in on this subject. While there is no single correct way to deal with such conversations, there are consistent suggestions for navigating difficult conversations, particularly during times like the holidays.
The first suggestion is to plan ahead. According to the therapeutic approach known as dialectical behavioural therapy, and there are five steps.
1. Describe the situation to yourself in plain language, with non-judgmental terms, naming the likely events and emotions that will take place.
2. Decide in advance how you will problem-solve the situation if it gets out of hand—for example, changing the subject or taking a walk if things get heated.
3. Take some time to imagine the upcoming conversation as vividly as possible.
4. Imagine yourself handling the situation calmly and effectively.
5. After imagining yourself handling the situation, do something to calm yourself, such as doing breathing exercises or taking a walk.
Another suggestion is to actively choose when to have the conversation. In general, we shouldn’t have these conversations when we’re hungry, already angry, or tired. If it involves a relative at a family gathering, try to delay until after people have had a chance to eat and rest.
When discussing politics or other heated topics, a third suggestion is to adopt the practice of listening first. Allow the other person to explain their point of view, then restate it back to them in your own words to ensure that they feel understood.
Remember, our brains cannot distinguish between an attack on our physical bodies and an attack on our beliefs. If we begin an exchange by making sure we understand each other, we minimize defensiveness and maximize open dialogue.
When it comes time to share your point of view, try using dialectics, a method of looking at a situation from both sides and trying to see how another perspective could be valid. You might say something like, “I see that this subject is important to you and you feel strongly. This is also important to me, because it affects people I care about. I feel that a safer solution might be…” This may allow you both to find a way forward without getting stuck in conflict.
Finally, keep in mind that the individual you’re speaking to is not immoral. As we’ve discussed, they do have a moral foundation that guides their actions; it’s simply different from the one you’re using.
That doesn’t mean that the other person’s actions are harmless. Certainly, the vast majority of people who have harmed others believed they were doing the right thing. You shouldn’t be expected to respect someone’s bigotry, for instance.
But these strategies do give you a way to understand where other people are coming from. If you can speak that understanding into the conversation—that is, if you can respond to them and acknowledge the underlying framework behind their moral decisions—they may be more open to understanding what guides your own choices.
It should also be said that there does come a point at which relationship can no longer be maintained. Especially in cases when an individual’s identity or safety are threatened, maintaining a relationship with someone may not be worth the price.
For example, consider a person who has come out as gay or transgender and persistently receives criticism, or even hate. They shouldn’t feel a responsibility to suffer through those injustices just to keep a relationship going. Doing so can cause more harm than good.
Everyone should decide for themselves how much they can put up with. There is no prescription for how every relationship ought to be handled. Each case is different. The gay or transgender child who chooses to sever a damaging relationship with a judgmental parent is no less strong or brave than one who chooses to continue in a similar relationship.
These conversations are bound to come up, and how well they go may not be completely in our control all the time. But if we take steps to try and have these conversations thoughtfully and intentionally, we may be able to have them without ruining our holiday dinners.
